Assume Nothing by Tanya Selvaratnam

Author:Tanya Selvaratnam
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Harper
Published: 2021-02-23T00:00:00+00:00

12

The Roller Coaster

In less than two weeks after I first spoke with Jane Mayer, she connected with several other ex-girlfriends of Eric and listened to their stories, which were strikingly similar to mine. She had the material she needed to build a piece, and she wanted to publish it as soon as possible. I told her I needed time to get my life together. I needed to get back to New York and make plans for my security and escape. I knew that without my participation, there would be no story. But I felt terrible telling her that I wasn’t ready for the story to be public yet. I emailed her that I needed a week.

She tried to reach me by phone many times, and when she eventually did, she said, “Are you sure you need to worry this much? It’s not that difficult to stay safe. I’ve covered two wars—you can do this.” But I told her I couldn’t return to New York into a maelstrom. I asked her to give me time.

Although I had no children, I worried about the impact that coming forward would have on my extended family and on my career and reputation. Once I put my story out there, I wouldn’t be able to take it back, and I couldn’t anticipate how my life would change. I kept reminding myself that my friends and my work were solid and would still be there for me. A few people might drift away, and that would be okay. I had a handful of friends who had told me not to do anything, but they were outnumbered by those who had told me that I knew what I had to do. When the history of Me Too would be written, I wouldn’t be able to live with being the one who had been too scared to protect other women.

The news cycle would pass, and then no one would care anymore. In a few years, no one might remember Eric’s name. I didn’t expect him ever to acknowledge the harm he had done to me, the ways in which he had eroded my self-esteem. I had to fight against my own disappointment that the women before me could have prevented him from doing that to me. It became clear during the reporting of the story that previous girlfriends had told themselves to stay silent or had people telling them not to do anything.

I spoke with a friend who taught at a university that was dealing with its own reckoning over a professor who had harassed colleagues and students. She talked about how Eric was a high-profile guy with many opportunities to meet women. She encouraged me to go on the record in order to minimize the access he had to women he could abuse. She said the story was becoming a many-headed monster, and not every part would turn out the way I wanted it to, but she agreed that I would be doing the right thing.

When Time

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